Due

Today was my due date for baby number 5. I mostly tried not to think about it, but I must admit that it did loom over me today. I know so many people who were pregnant and due within a week or two of me. Now, they have had their baby's. They are sweet little girls and I am so happy for them.

We didn't know if our baby was a boy or a girl. Michael was sure it was a girl who was named Mazy (we weren't planning on that name). He's so spiritual that I can believe it was so. I, on the other hand always thought it was a boy.

Back before we had little Michael Patrick we were talking one day about our family plans. We both mentioned that we thought there was at least one more boy and one more girl waiting for us. We got the little boy - Michael P. Then there was this little girl spirit floating out there. I knew that if this baby had been a boy that she would still be out there waiting to join our family.

It wasn't meant to be at this moment in time.

I found out in March that I was expecting number 5. My due date was December 2nd (not that I ever plan on having my baby by that date). It was the day after Michael's birthday. This would continue the tradition. You see, our children's birthdays go in order. Madelyn's is MAY 5th 2004, Merrick's is JUNE 8th, 2006, Miley's is AUGUST 11th, 2007, Michael Patrick's is NOVEMBER 1st, 2010, and this baby was to be early DECEMBER 2013. How neat is that. Everything was progressing fine.

On the third of July I went for my 18 week appointment. I was bummed that this doctors office doesn't let you find out the sex until 20 weeks, so I had a week and a half and was counting down to that special day. At my appointment the tech tried to find the heart beat with the Doppler. She said that the baby was moving so much that she couldn't get a good read. At one point she said (very quickly) "did you hear that". She said it was the heart beat - I didn't hear anything. So, she whisked me back to the familiar ultrasound room so that my doctor could show me the heart beat on the monitor.

The doctor came in, lathered my belly in warm yuck and there was the little peanut....only it no longer had a little fluttering heart like it had before. It was just in there so still. That's when she said the words - "I'm so sorry, but the baby doesn't have a heart beat". Tears poured down my cheeks and I was overcome by the sadness of what had just happened.

She let me know that I could slip out the back without having to check out and that her receptionist would call me with details on what to do next.

It just so happened that it was the WORST time possible. The next day was the Fourth of July and the following day was a Friday. The procedure to have the baby removed (since I wasn't going to give birth to it - hearing horror stories of long agonizing labor with no baby at the end) was a two day process. I had to wait until Monday to start the procedure and Tuesday to do the removal. Boy was that a long week. I knew that the spirit was not there and that it was safe, but carrying a dead baby for a week is tough on the psyche.

All of Michael's family was in town for the 4th and I felt bad that I needed to be alone, but they were very understanding and they helped so much by taking my kids to Galveston for a few days and having them over to play with cousins.

This is the first miscarriage I've ever had. I certainly didn't think after I got past the 12 week safety zone mark that it would happen. But it did for whatever reason.  They said the baby died around 15-16 weeks along. It had been dead for a month by the time it was removed. That word sounds all wrong, but that is what happened to the physical body. I asked the doctor to tell us if he could see what the sex was, unfortunately it had decayed so much that he could not tell.

So now I wonder. I know families are eternal. I know that this baby will be a part of our family in some way. What I don't know is if this soul will join us on this earth again or not. If I have another child, will it be the same one or has that one moved on to other spiritual missions? It was never born, but still born babies aren't either and they still have personalities in the womb. Everyone I've talked to has had a different theory on this. I guess only inspiration or eternity will tell. I've learned a few things along the way such as: miscarriages really stink and I'm sure glad that families can be together forever. I'm grateful for the time that I got to spend with that little one. I'm also grateful for all the ways that the Lord has blessed me and our eternal family.